Making people feel special
Making people feel special
#110 - back to school, back to the books
Hi there,
Only a week into school, and I’m waiting for the next holiday again. Thankfully, this is a very short half term, so we are already over 20% of the way there!
It’s been a pretty normal week, which has taken time to adjust to: not simply doing papers and questions when I come home in preparation for some mocks. Yes, there is some revision going on but not high-intensity.
Highlight of the week: performing in the Senior Soloists Concert at school. I opened the concert with some smooth jazz on the saxophone 🎷 and muddled through the longest oboe piece I’ve ever played (safe to say my lips were tired). Thoroughly enjoyed my friends’ performances as well 🎵
As I often am when I’m at the dinner table, I’m staring into the distance (daydreaming about some random figment of reality or thinking hard about another random idea) when I notice a new bottle. I look closely and it has a car logo. Turns out the car dealership from which my dad is buying an EV sent him this slick metal bottle.
It got me thinking about how brand loyalty is developed1 and by extension, friendship in general. I was reminded of a proverb I’d listened to earlier in the week, “become someone you would want to hang out with”.
Sending the bottle, even before the car makes its way to our house, is a symbol of appreciation: the brand is grateful for my dad buying their car and wants to treat him royally, the way they are trying to get him to treat the car and their brand.
Similar to my favourite adage of “treat others how you would like to be treated", this is a way of acquiring friends by being friends - “the friendliest person has the most friends”. I think it is also a great way of signalling what kind of friend you want someone to be or, put differently, what you want out of a friend.
If you say hi with a big smile every time you see a particular person and ask them about their day, slowly they will pick up on it and should give you ‘a taste of your own medicine’. It is a strategy I employed in early Year 12, when I wanted to become someone who fist bumps people. Being conscious about the impression you give to others and how you treat them can make it more likely they mirror the same to you. After all, we are reciprocation machines - “do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is as old as time (well, since whenever Jesus decided to say it)
This is similar to the concept of trying to impress yourself instead of others, and in the process, you will do things that others will find genuinely attracted towards.
In order to do some research to supplement this week’s post, I reached out to a book I loved (and should have, in hindsight, gone back to before starting this school captain journey) - Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People. I’ll say it again, it is not as ulterior motivated as the title sounds, it is actually quite positive.
From his 6 principles of ‘how to make people like you’ let’s take 2 to look at in some detail.
Become genuinely interested in other people - we like people who admire us and take a genuine interest in our lives. It makes us feel seen, feel heard, feel like we matter and feel like we are interesting enough for someone to want to know more about our perhaps boring life. Carneigie quotes from the Viennese psychologist Adler’s book titled What Life Should Mean to You.
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the great difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
The 2nd part of that is curious - “that all human failures spring”.
Make the other person feel important - it is a desire that is deep in human nature; as William James puts it, “the deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated”. Giving people the approval, recognition and feeling that they are an important part of this gigantic world, it is all a form of sincere appreciation.
Benjamin Disraeli, the former UK Prime Minister, said “Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours
They are both quite similar but hammer home the messages of - making them feel special. As with the stylish bottle, you value the customer/receiver of your attention and they will, in turn, trust you, respect you, warm to you and become friends. Whether that works out for future profit (for more cars) or future personal gain, it always helps to be friendly.
Podcast of the week🎙️
Deep Question with Cal Newport - Ep 266: Take Control of Your Technology Habits
Cal has some practical but deep thoughts on how to action life; this time it’s about managing our relationship with our phones.
Thing I’m grateful for this week 🙏
My oboe teacher for coming in a day before our usual Thursday lessons, so I could have a lesson before the concert. He also came back later in the night to watch me perform at the concert.
Quote of the week 💬
Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat – Napoleon Hill
Make sure you don't mistake opportunity for one of its unhelpful cousins this week - good luck
Adi
And hence PED inelasticity for all my fellow economists!
Unfortunately I'm going to have to disagree with you. Treating people the way in which you wish to be treated " “do unto others as you would have them do unto you" " only stands up to testimony with strangers and colleagues, not friends or trying to make friends. From experience, it doesn't work and you get prayed upon, without any means of reciprocation. People don't "slowly they will pick up on it and should give you ‘a taste of your own medicine’.", they are either friends or not wanting to be. Obviously this depends on your definition of friends, but for me, this should be more colleagues or people with whom you may be acquainted, by which I mean on occasion perhaps once or twice a week. Friendships only work if it's immediate, too many people become hung up on who the person could be for them both in platonic and romantic relationships rather than who they are. Which is something I have learnt the hard way.