Wise advice to others can help you too
#119 - exams everywhere you turn
Hi there,
It’s been three weeks since I last sat down to write! And so much has gone on in those 3 weeks.
Of course, I’ve started my exams - 4 from 151 completed, and we get to pause with this half term break. Sadly, I have a ‘week from hell’ in the first week back, with an exam every day and 2 on Friday - what a lovely way to cap off the week.
I notice, however, that my exam timetable is better than my GCSE one. Of course, the stakes were lower, the content less difficult and smaller for each paper, but it is still a busier set of weeks.
Highlight of the week": doing the School Captain interview on Tuesday; it was very ‘full circle’ to be the other end of the desk this time, just over a year since I had my interview. All the candidates did well and I look forward to seeing how the process pans out! I’ll be honest - even I couldn’t answer some of the questions we asked to a good enough standard now! 🙈
I write this on the finals day of the Indian (cricket) Premier League, which started all the way back in March, with Kolkata being crowned worthy winners - best team in the comp (barring my favourite CSK of course). However, this money-driven sports world moves on quickly, to a World Cup in the Caribbean and the US starting on Saturday!
The entire IPL has run as a buildup to the global event, with loads of chatter about who would be on the plane to the US. In the end, you were never going to be able to pick a perfect squad that people agreed with and that’s what happened. The main man missing, according to the fan base and experts, was one of the Kolkata players, Rinku Singh. A powerful finisher who can turn the match in your favour at the end of the first half or even win it in the chase, he’s a valuable asset and I agree that he deserves a spot in the side.
However, all the analyses seem to fail to answer the necessary subsequent question, “Whose place does he take? Who was less deserving to be picked?” It links with a point repeatedly made by a well-known commentator (Bhogle) that “the easiest decisions are the ones you don’t need to take yourself” because it’s much less burdening to say what someone should do sat in your armchair than to actually bear the consequences of the decision.
To bring in a bit of economics, it’s called ‘moral hazard’: the classic example is when a bank manager takes risks, knowing that if the bank fails, the government will bail them out. Ultimately, they aren’t bearing the costs of their actions, it’s the taxpayer.
However, this idea of giving advice to others being straightforward has a name - Solomon’s Paradox, the concept we’ll discuss in today’s Ray of Sunlight. Think some structure to this so far meandering post will help, hence the subtitles.
What is it?
How we find it easier to offer advice to deal with others’ lives and problems, yet struggle to deliver and listen to that same advice with solving our own issues.
Who’s Solomon?
He’s a king mentioned in the Old Testament, known for providing sound, wise thoughts to those who needed it. A common story I’ve seen in researching this is one where in order to decide who a baby belonged to between 2 claiming mothers, he says he will ‘divide the baby’ into two, prompting the true mother to ask the other to be given the child, preventing the baby any harm (sorry if that’s a bit too graphic for a Bank Holiday weekend).
However, he was also known for having hundreds of wives (and thus many unknown children), an obsession with wealth, and a poor relationship with family. So he was amazing at telling others what to do but failed to follow his own advice for himself.
So why does it happen?
This is because of the difference in perspectives.
When we’re looking at others’ problems, we are zoomed out (Adam Grant likens it to seeing it through a telescope). We can be balanced, seeing the wider picture clearly (e.g. telling a friend not to make a decision we know they’ll regret or one that doesn’t make sense) and offer a rational response.
On the other hand, we’re battling with our own emotions when making choices for ourselves. Looking at it through a microscope, we struggle with personal dilemmas and emotions cloud decision making.
What can we do about it?
The research from the University of Waterloo’s Grossman and Kross in 2014 concluded that we should try to ‘eliminate self-immersion’ getting out of our heads and looking at the problem from a distance.
We can create the distance in 2 ways, both well put according to Sahil Bloom here.
A. Creating space between the thought process and the outcome.
We know that the decisions we make may not be the best ones so you should pause, feel the emotion (you can’t think through an emotion) and then turn to making a rational decision.
This may also look like seeing the problem from an outside perspective.
This could be a mental shift of trying to advise a ‘friend’ to detach yourself from the emotions of the issue
Perhaps speak to yourself (in the third person) or journal (a personal favourite of mine) and ask yourself questions to get to the truth that is being masked by other thoughts or feelings
When reading up about this, I found one writer shares the sentiment that their articles are often for themselves, which resonates with me and my blog. It’s a thought that I have the excuse to explore, consider, evaluate, research and hear others’ thoughts about. They mention that “often the advice we give someone else is the same advice we need to hear ourselves”, which is why I find writing powerful.
B. Zooming out to look at the bigger picture. Perhaps consider what future you would say about the problem, or even easier is to look to your past self for their opinion.
This is why I’m always open to hearing others’ advice and actively ask people for what they think. Their removed opinion looking at my life and what I’m dealing with brings a different perspective where they are free to suggest whatever they want to (after all, I’m the one who valued their thoughts enough to ask them). Whether I choose to listen to them or not, it makes no difference to their life. In that way, giving advice to others is costless, it’s acting on it that’s harder, and even harder when that advice is from you for you.
If you’re battling with a problem, you might need another person to look at it. Along with sharing a problem feeling like halving a problem, they can bring a better perspective on it. You should also try to adjust your lens to zoom out and think about the problem from a removed perspective - the answer you give then is often the very answer you’ve been struggling to find to unlock your problem.
What challenges or dilemmas does this bring to mind? How do you work out who you go and ask for advice? Send me a message, in whatever medium you prefer, with your thoughts 👍
Podcast of the week🎙️
Gadget Lab: The End of Google Search As We Know It
I’ll be honest, I’m not as up-to-speed on the AI developments over the past few months as I’d like to be. This was a nice user-friendly explanation of some of Google’s latest magic though
Thing I’m grateful for this week 🙏
Sofia, a school friend, for inviting me to her birthday party; haven’t been to one in a long time so it was lovely way to relax on Saturday night after a long day of STEP
Quote of the week 💬
The key is not the will to win. Everybody has that. It is the will to prepare to win that is important. Bobby Knight
Hope you enjoy some sunny weather in the week ahead; and if you’re like me and have exams, keep going - the end is getting closer every second. Or maybe you’re loving it? If so, good for you.
Adi
Yes 15 - 3 each in Maths, Physics and Economics, 4 for Further Maths and the 2 ‘STEP’ Cambridge exams